Hear now, mortals, as I sing of warriors nine, Whose sinews strain and muscles intertwine! Like bronze-clad heroes on Troy’s bloodied plain, These athletes forge their bodies through blessed pain. From lowest rank to champion supreme I’ll tell, Each warrior worthy, each a citadel!
IX. ALICE OF THE ROZENGARDEN BRIGHT
In ninth position stands a warrior true, Though least in ranking, strength does still accrue! With thirty-eight thousand paces crossed the earth, Like swift Achilles proving mortal worth. Through push-ups, squats, and pull-ups ten times made, The hollow body hold, no strength did fade. With curls of weights four kilograms and more, The deadlift practiced on the training floor. The plank was held for fifty seconds long, While Russian twists did make the core more strong! And though one day was spent with friends at play— A pajama party—rest is battle’s way! For even Hector knew when to withdraw, To feast and gather strength by nature’s law. Thus Alice trains with steady, patient might, Progressive overload kept well in sight!
VIII. RKTBAY, THE METHODICAL AND WISE
In eighth position stands a tactician rare, Who measures all with scientific care! Twelve thousand steps on average weekly trod, With cardio minutes tracked like gifts from god. One hundred seventy minutes on the bike, With pauses programmed into every strike! The chest press, fly, and shoulder press were done, With rep ranges cycled when each set was won. From four to eight, then eight to twelve they rise, Then twelve to twenty—see the warrior’s wise! Like Odysseus who planned each move with thought, Each miniature pause at range of motion taught. The veins upon the serratus did show, The ribcage etched where front deltoid did glow! Though stomach troubles struck this warrior down, They rest and heal, still worthy of renown. For eighteen-one pounds of weight they maintain, Elite execution their perpetual campaign!
VII. REKTDIOMEDES, THE COMBAT-TRAINED
Seventh stands a warrior born for war, Whose combat training makes the masses roar! Sixteen thousand steps each day were walked, While martial wisdom through the YouTube stalked! Six hours spent on tactics, feints, and throws, The way Patroclus learned from battle’s throes. Eighty sets of iron lifted high, With legs worked harder than in days gone by! One point five hours of sparring, open mat, Where bodies clash and warriors grow fat With knowledge earned through sweat and bruised skin— One hundred kicks per leg, both discipline and din! Three thousand-six hundred calories consumed, While sun-maxxing beneath Apollo’s womb! Like Diomedes charging Trojan lines, This warrior’s spirit through their training shines! With twenty-five thousand steps one glorious day, They march toward glory come what may!
VI. JOHNNYONLINE, FEASTER ON THE BULL
In sixth position stands a titan bold, Who swims and sprints and stories yet untold! Eight sprints of twenty seconds up the hill, With pull-ups, dips—a never-ending drill! Each morning five to seven-fifty meters swum, While fifteen minutes in the sauna come! But hark! What fuel propels this warrior’s frame? Five hundred grams of steak to fan the flame! Four eggs consumed, and collagen besides, With creatine and Parmesan as guides! And here’s the secret strength that none can mock— The bull testicles! Every other clock! Like ancient heroes feasting after war, On ox and wine from conquered city’s store, This warrior eats the TESTICLES OF MIGHT— The sacred spheres that grant immortal fight! Zeus himself would nod with knowing grin, To see such virile nourishment within! The bovine’s courage transferred through the meal, Making JohnnyOnline hard as steel! With rowing, swimming, sprints on every day, The bull’s own power leads the warrior’s way!
V. 0X_VIKT0R, THE COMPLETE CAMPAIGNER
Fifth stands a warrior versed in every art, With striking skills and strength in equal part! Fourteen thousand steps or more were walked, While jabs and crosses through the air were stalked! Eight kilometers run on Tuesday’s dawn, Then ten to eleven more ere Saturday’s gone! The push press lifted high, the bench press too, While pull-ups demonstrated strength all through! But more than iron, this one learns to fight— The hooks and body shots, the footwork light! Defense drills practiced: slips and rolls and guards, Like Ajax deflecting spears in Trojan yards! With tempo sparring, controlled yet still fierce, The warrior’s spirit does the veil pierce! For what is fitness but for battle-readiness? This warrior knows and trains with purposefulness! The calf kicks thrown, the pivots well-rehearsed, In combat’s art, completely well-immersed! Sunday brings rest, but mobility maintained— A complete warrior, thoroughly trained!
IV. CURVECAP, THE ENDURANCE KING
Fourth place secured by one of tireless will, Who ran and swam and climbed up every hill! One hundred twenty thousand steps were made— Fifteen-point-nine kilometers each day surveyed! The resting heart beats fifty-one times slow, VO2 max at fifty-three does show! With fitness age of thirty-four declared, No mortal weakness in this chest is bared! Seven thousand calories of effort burned, Like Achilles when the Trojans turned! The swimming pool saw two-point-four-five k’s, While rowing strokes in hundreds measured days! The bench press lifted, squats and deadlifts done, The strength training under gym lights won! But more than this—the hiking trails were walked, Ten kilometers where mountain paths were stalked! On every day the sauna’s heat embraced, Like Hephaestus’ forge where warriors are graced! With twenty-five thousand steps one Sunday bright, This warrior marches toward the light!
III. SPENCER420, THE BERLIN CHAMPION
Bronze position claimed by warrior of the West, Who front-squatted one-three-five with chest! Through Berlin’s streets and walls this fighter walked, Where Christmas markets and memorials talked! Two hundred ninety-two pounds on bench did press, While front squats tested every fiber’s stress! Though “stupid shitty soft rubbery floor” did curse, The warrior persevered through better and worse! The Nordic hamstring curls—fifteen times done, While badminton games were fought and won! One hundred push-ups, sit-ups in a day, With air jump squats to keep the weakness at bay! The yoga flows and handstand training too, Show balance that few warriors ever knew! Like Nestor, wise in many different arts, This warrior excels in all the parts! From Güstrow walked to Wernemünde’s shore, Then weighted leg raises, core strength more! The L-sit held, shoulder stands achieved, In every discipline well-believed!
II. DEFISHAKA, THE HEAVY-BEARING ONE
Silver claimed by one who carries weight, Forty-five pounds in ruck, no respite or abate! Add thirty more in dumbbells gripped in hand, And march the earth like troops through foreign land! The resting heart beats forty-five times true, Though sleep escaped as stress and worry grew. The farmer’s carry progressions complete— From thirty-five to fifty pounds—no retreat! From twenty minutes down to sixteen-twen-eight, The warrior pushed through pain to reach their fate! With bouldering climbed and rowing’s steady pace, Resistance training—twenty-four sets grace! Eighty-one sets of work throughout the week, The muscles screaming, yet the warrior’s not weak! On half a mile the dumbbells never dropped, Until the final carry, finally stopped! Like Atlas bearing up the celestial sphere, This warrior carries burdens without fear! The track and field drills run with mobile ease, Dead-hangs held until the forearms seize! Though sickness struck on Saturday—rest came— The warrior’s dedication stays the same!
I. DEVIN OF GAMMASWAP, THE APEX PREDATOR
First among warriors stands the mightiest one, Whose lifts would make the very gods say “DONE!” Four hundred forty pounds in sumo pulled, While hack squat good mornings four-three-oh skulled! The dumbbell neutral press with twenty-score, Weighted chin-ups—fifty-five pounds or more! Six reps completed hanging from the bar, Like Hercules beneath the evening star! But then the partial deads—three-seven-five— Beltless! The warrior’s power comes alive! Three hundred eighty squats without the straps, The deep pause showing there are no gaps! On Wednesday came the calves and hamstrings’ doom, While archer pulls gave rear delts more room. The pendlay rows two-forty-five displayed, As single-leg seated calves the foundation laid! On Friday came the shoulders, tested true— Handstand push-ups and the strength shown through! Upright rows at ninety-five were pressed, While hammer strength machines put traps to test! Five thousand steps on average walked per day, But in the iron temple, this warrior holds sway! The champion of champions, ranked supreme, Living every lifter’s fevered dream!
Thus have I sung of warriors nine in all, Each one worthy, standing proud and tall! From Alice’s dedication, methodical and pure, To Devin’s apex strength that will endure! May Zeus bless all who strive and sweat and train, Who push through barriers and transcend the pain! For in these modern days, as in days of old, The warrior’s spirit shines like burnished gold! Now go forth, champions, to your daily quest— May victory crown the worthy! Fight with zest!